8 Years, 8 Bits: A Remi Adventure

A koopa troopa stands outside of one of Bowser's castles. A now hiring sign is on display. The narration reads, 'One day, long ago, Remi arrived to work for Bowser.' The koopa troopa (Remi) stands inside the castle facing Bowser. The narration reads, 'On his first day Remi learned about the numerous incidents caused by Mario.' Mario is jumping in World 6-1. The text reads, '#ir-plumber-enter - R3 - Mario tresspasses in World 6-1' Mario, enlarged by a mushroom, is running around World 7-1 with several upside down koopa troopa shells in his wake. The text reads, '#ir-mushroom-vow - R2 - A giant Mario causes many injuries in World 7-1.' Mario, powered up by a fire flower, shoots many fireballs at several enemies in World 8-1. The text reads, '#ir-fire-flower - R1 - World 8-1 set ablaze by Mario's fireballs' Mario is in a castle facing off against Bowser. The text reads, '#ir-invincible-star - R0 - Mario almost reaches the princess!' Remi stands in an underground level, alone. The text reads, 'Remi became determined to improve things! He started work on a proactive approach instead of reacting to Mario's incursions! His plan included many efforts... Black screen with text: 'He pushed on old Jiras... GOOMBAS-147 Feature request: deadly lasers. Created by Goomba TK-421. Created six years ago. It would be a lot easier to stop Mario if we had deadly lasers we could use to melt him, or at least set his hat on fire. Comment by Remi: This feature request to give the goombas deadly lasers is several years old and would make a huge difference. Can we revisit?' Black screen with text: 'He filed new Jiras... MARIO_DEFENSE-3 Enlarge all current and future pits. Created by Remi. Created right now. Our bottomless pits currently range in size from 1–8 meters, but Mario can jump over a 10 meter wide gap. We should mandate that all future bottomless pits are a minimum of 12 meters wide. We should also expand all existing bottomless pits to 12+ meters wide ASAP.' White screen with text at the top: 'He improved documentation...' Below that the title reads, 'Bowser Troop Field Guide'. On the left are options including moving forward, walking back and forth, falling, bouncing, swimming, and throwing hammers. On the right the throwing hammers page is displayed, which reads, 'The natural urge is to throw hammers in a lazy, high arc, but doing so allows Mario more time to dodge. Instead, throw hammers directly at his face with as much force as you can. Aim for his eyes.' Bowser, Remi, and a koopa troopa holding a hammer stand outside a large castle at the end of a typical Super Mario Bros. level. The text at the top reads, 'He made proposals...' and below that the text reads, 'We should install doors on our castles so Mario can't just waltz right in. Big, thick doors. With locks. Remi and a goomba stand in World 1-1. The text at the top reads, 'He worked on API reviews...' and below that, 'I'm concerned about the proposed functionality of this brick block. Instead of giving Mario more coins the faster he hits it, what if it poured lava on him instead?' Bowser and Remi stand on the bridge at the end of a castle level and look at the axe which is typically behind Bowser. The text at the top reads, 'He improved stability...' and below that, 'We can increase bridge uptime by removing this axe dependency.' Remi stands on a large mushroom cap in the sky with a red koopa troopa, and both of them are looking at several coins. The text at the top reads, 'He made optimizations...' and below that, 'What if you and the other troops on patrol collected these coins for our defense budget before Mario arrives?' Remi stands in the warp zone at the end of World 1-2. The text at the top reads, 'He worked on deprecations...' and below that, 'Do we have usage metrics on these warp zones? We should send comms to the current users and then shut them down to prevent Mario from using them.' Remi stands at the end of a castle level facing a toadstool. The text at the top reads, 'He improved error messages...' and below that, 'The princess is obviously in another castle, but what if you told Mario she's in a specific castle? Not the one she's in, of course, but a different one, just to throw him off the scent?' Bowser and a variety of his minions are gathered outside near a green tube with a piranha plant sticking out of it. A large pit to the right is filled almost to the top with dead Marios. The text reads, 'After a lot of hard work things were much improved! After many weeks without an incident the team gathered to celebrate...' Same scene as the previous panel, but now everyone is looking at Remi who has emerged from the green tube (with the piranha plant now on his head). Everyone has turned to look at Remi. The text reads, 'But Remi, always vigilant, reminded everyone of an important truth! `We haven't won yet,` he said. Bowser replied, `But things are so much better! Look around!`' Same scene as the previous panel. The text reads, '`Exactly,` Remi said. `Look around. Look there. Look beyond the veil of our success.` And they turned to look.' Everyone is turned to look across the pit. The final panel is very wide, and has no text. On the left we see the same scene as the previous panel. In the middle we see the entire pit filled with dead Marios, which is very wide. On the other side, standing alone, is Luigi. He faces the gathered crowd in silence as they stare back at him.

Thank you, Remi, for everything you do!

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